Bad Vestments

NOSTALGIA

2012-01-13T18:59:00.011-06:00

Gas being as expensive as it is and my truck being on its last legs, I haven't been able to take one of these in a very long time. But my all-time favorite vacation used to be a drive through the American Southwest.

I always drove, I never flew. I am by birth and temperament a Westerner so I had to see the land, not fly over it in a hurry to get someplace else. And I had to see all of the land and I had to take as much time as I possibly could doing it.

I needed Kansas and eastern Colorado to appreciate the Rockies and the Rockies to appreciate Kansas and eastern Colorado. I needed southern Utah to appreciate northern Arizona and northern New Mexico and I needed all of them to appreciate north Texas.

I took one of these trips with my dad once(really not a smart move as Pop was never the easiest guy in the world to travel with) but I drove the rest of them alone. And that was another thing I loved about those roadies.

You can think uninterrupted out there all by yourself. You can pray or just be still and know that He is God. When you're not doing that, you can listen to KTNN, 660 AM on your radio dial, the Voice of the Navajo Nation.

KTNN's music is country and most of the talking's actually in Navajo. And believe me, there is nothing better in the world to listen to when you're driving through the desert.

The souvenir places are all pretty much the same, as Southwest as all get out, but I love them anyway. Indian jewelry. "Indian" or "Mexican" blankets that were probably made in China.

On one trip, I actually bought one of those blankets. I don't remember what I paid for it but it wasn't much. And it's currently decorating a chair here in the Bad Vestments office as I write this.

I have absolutely no idea why I thought of all that just now.

JOHNSON GIFT ADVICE

2012-01-10T01:25:00.003-06:00

I'm not Catholic and I don't mean to go all sectarian or anything but if I wanted to give a favorite priest a gift to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, a bottle of really good Bushmill's, the kind you nurse for six months, would probably be my first choice. But that's just me.

BISHOPS FROM THE PLANET XARCHON

2012-01-07T15:14:00.000-06:00

Take your pick.

(1) They gave him this miter because his theology's, like, out there, man.

(2) Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Anglican Primate of Mars.

THE GRIM BISHOP

2012-01-03T17:39:00.003-06:00

Bishop Lawrence? I don't know, maybe I'm being overly sensitive or something, but you MIGHT want to seriously rethink that crozier. It has certain...associations. And as my beloved mother used to regularly tell me, you could put somebody's eye out with that thing.

AWN-SAHM-BLEH

2011-12-20T17:19:00.000-06:00

Remember those really tacky matching sweaters your mom forced you and your siblings to wear for the family Christmas card photo that one year? Well, they called just now and they wanted you to know how sorry they are.

AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!!

2011-11-07T15:32:00.000-06:00

This picture was taken during an ordination at a San Francisco Lutheran church. This one, to be precise. Aside from that, I don't really know what to say about it.

PAGANIANITY

2011-11-01T14:18:00.005-05:00

To connoisseurs of ecclesiastical goofballism like me, one name stands head and shoulders above the rest and believe it or not, that name is not connected with the Episcopal Church. It is a San Francisco Evangelical Lutheran Church in America congregation officially called Ebenezer although, as you can see by the link, it has begun to refer to itself as herchurch.

Why does herchurch exist? According to the web site:

The Christian-Lutheran Feminist/Womanist/Mujerista Movements exist to celebrate the feminine persona of God/dess and dimensions of the sacred as expressed in faith, worship, learning, mutual care, and acts of justice.

How do they do that? One of the ways is illustrated by that picture, something you can order through their web site if you've decided that Christianity just isn't cutting it for you anymore. That's what those folks call a Goddess rosary.

Thanks to David Fischler.

I'M GOING TO DATE MYSELF BUT...

2011-10-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

Remember those McDonald's Hamburger commericials from the 1980's and all those delightful running characters they had? There was Ronald McDonald, of course, the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, Grimace, Officer Big Mac and all the rest. But not too many people remember this rather obscure McDonaldland character.

The Hambishop.

NOW THERE'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T SEE EVERY DAY, CHAUNCEY

2011-10-11T15:39:00.003-05:00

What's that, Edgar? A liturgical vestment inspired by Angry Birds.

CHURCH OF ENGLAND

2011-10-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

Why do you ask?

WHAT IS THIS?

2011-09-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

(1) Something purchased at a tacky Italian tourist shop that specializes in relieving Americans of excess money.

(2) The new uniforms of the Turin Cathedral Tigers slow-pitch softball team.

(3) An actual chasuble that you can buy if you want to.

(4) A really bad idea.

I GOT NOTHIN'

2011-09-02T21:01:00.002-05:00

There are millions of quips, japes and jests that I could insert here but since 99.9999999999% of them are obscene, discretion is the better part of valor and all that. I guess I could say something about how THOSE COLORS CLASH LIKE A SON OF A...get a grip, Johnson!! Deep breaths, buddy!! Now do you see what running a site like this can do to a person?

UPDATE: Several commenters have stated that this photograph is apparently a fake. So I guess it says something about the awful state of vestments these days that my reaction to that news is that I would find such a disgraceful ensemble to be totally plausible.

REALLY USEFUL

2011-08-28T17:41:00.000-05:00

As far as Christian worship is concerned, I lean more to the anti-vestment side of things. Nevertheless, I have to admire the fact that you can purchase a liturgical vestment for just about any situation a Christian minister might encounter. When you want to emphasize a Biblical theme. When you're celebrating a particular feast day. When the roof leaks.

QUESTION

2011-08-10T15:49:00.006-05:00

This picture comes from something called the Young Feminist Network, part of the Women's Ordination Conference, a group dedicated to advancing the cause of women's ordination in the Roman Catholic Church.

I have no interest in debating the theological merits of that topic and I'd appreciate it if none of you did either. I'd just like to know something.

What is up with leftists and giant papier-mâché puppets of doom?

You see them all the time in secular leftist demonstrations and I sort of understand using them there. Well, no, actually, I don't. If you want to convince me to back your cause, looking as stupid as you possibly can is no way to go about it.

But I really don't understand using them in church. Do these people seriously believe that people like me are going to take one look at ridiculous displays like this and think, "Jeepers, are these people spiritual!! Maybe they're right and I'm wrong."

Because that's not the message I'm picking up, yo.

ECUMENISM

2011-08-06T16:23:00.001-05:00

Give it up for a giant papier-mâché Roman Catholic puppet of doom.

THREE WORDS, BISHOP

2011-07-12T15:33:00.002-05:00

Dial it down.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE

2011-06-17T01:13:00.000-05:00

I used to think that the Episcopalians had retired the trophy as far as bad vestments, church decorations and serious worship are concerned. But via the Bovina Bloviator comes word of a Austrian Roman Catholic "mass" so unbelievably awful that...well let's just say that the Confederate flag looked embarrassed to be there.

VESTMENTS THAT MAKE YOU SAY, "REALLY?"

2011-06-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

Chasubles with parrots on them.

SET PHASERS TO KILL

2011-06-02T19:19:00.002-05:00

Give it up for the Klingon monstrance.

I GOT NUTHIN'

2011-06-02T17:28:00.002-05:00

Seriously. I don't have a clue what's going on here.

COMEBACK

2011-05-14T13:15:00.002-05:00

Katharine Jefferts Schori regains first place. Knew you had it in you, Presiding Bishop!

CHASUBLE?

2011-05-05T18:53:00.001-05:00

Or shower curtain?

UPDATE: Actually, this kind of makes sense if, as indicated in the post just below this one, we're going to start using bath mats as frontals.

LAVENDER AND YELLOW THING FOR SALE

2011-05-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

Possibly a Rothko.

FORGET ANGRY BIRDS

2011-04-30T10:07:00.001-05:00

Give it up for Angry Crosses.

BALLGAME, THANKS FOR PLAYING

2011-04-26T15:41:00.000-05:00

My correspondent informs me that this was worn on Easter morning. I think this site may have just reached the end of its useful life.

DAISY, DAISY

2011-04-25T18:50:00.002-05:00

Give me your answer don't.

FLY AWAY

2011-04-25T18:49:00.000-05:00

In environmental news, it looks to be an outstanding year for butterflies.

FULLY INVOLVED

2011-04-25T18:43:00.000-05:00

Quick review. While flames are a perfectly acceptable design concept for liturgical vestments, it's probably best not to have them coming from that direction.

THAT'S WEIRD

2011-03-31T19:04:00.000-05:00

I'm suddenly nostalgic for my old slot car set and I can't figure out why.

REALLY, GENE? REALLY?

2011-03-19T14:06:00.000-05:00

Come on, Bishop, you're better than this.

NO, NON, NEIN, 否, いいえ, 한국어, Αριθ, НЕТ

2011-03-17T19:27:00.002-05:00

My correspondent informs me that this stole celebrates women in sports. Now that's a fine thing to celebrate, just not during Christian worship. Ever. Under any circumstances. Period. End of discussion. Got me?!!

FOR THAT SPECIAL CHILDREN'S SERVICE

2011-02-14T17:08:00.002-06:00

Because kids just LOVE being talked down to.

OH THE HUMANITY!!

2011-02-14T14:46:00.000-06:00

When Rothkos go horribly wrong.

THEMES TO AVOID

2011-02-10T16:28:00.000-06:00

1970's shower curtains.

WHY I STARTED THIS SITE

2011-02-08T19:01:00.003-06:00

HOW ARE THE MIGHTY FALLEN

2011-02-05T16:00:00.001-06:00

Minnesota Episcopal Bishop Brian Prior puts Katharine Jefferts Schori's title in SERIOUS jeopardy.

HEY KIDS!! WHAT TIME IS IT?!!

2011-01-19T19:15:00.000-06:00

It's time for another exciting round of everybody's favorite game, "Bishop? Or Star Trek Character?"

YOU KNOW HOW SOME PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF CLOWNS?

2011-01-07T17:50:00.000-06:00

I get that. Anglican archbishops terrify me.

IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN...

2011-01-03T18:23:00.001-06:00

...your geek friend can instantly tell you the obscure graphic novel he saw this in.

THEMES TO AVOID

2010-12-23T17:56:00.000-06:00

Exploding altars.

COCK-A-DOODLE-DON'T

2010-12-09T16:59:00.000-06:00

There might be a liturgical reason for this but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

A PAT ON THE HEAD

2010-11-18T15:32:00.000-06:00

When someone sent me this, I had an immediate and intensely negative reaction to it but it took me a very long time to figure out why. But then I remembered that the accompanying material stated that this would be ideal in services prominently featuring children and that's when it hit me.

I grew up at Emmanuel Episcopal Church in Webster Groves, Missouri. This was during the early 1960's, the last gasp of Episcopal traditionalism. That meant that there were still, at least at my parish, rather stringent rules about who could take the Eucharist and when.

Consequently, little kids like me had to be ushered out at some point. This usually took place at the gradual hymn(for non-Anglicans, that's a hymn sung both before and after the Gospel reading) when an acolyte would lead us up to a lovely little chapel upstairs where we would have what was basically children's church.

If I remember correctly, this was loosely based on Morning Prayer(if you're an Episcopalian and you've never experienced one of those, ask you grandparents) and was usually conducted by a junior member of the clergy. But what brought this back to my mind where the vestments that that junior member of the clergy wore.

They wore exactly the same relatively restrained vestments(this was also well before the idea of making an Important Artistic Statement^TM with one's chasuble had taken root) the clergy for the grown-ups wore.

When you're a kid, what is the one thing in life you most don't want to be? A kid. You want to get around town on a vehicle you don't have to pedal. You want to eat pizza whenever the mood strikes you. And you don't want to have to ask the big people for money.

More than anything else, you want to be taken seriously.

I didn't know exactly what was going on in kid's church back then(it took me years to figure it out) but I think that on some level, I knew that I was doing something important. So while I might not have fully realized it, I really think that I would have been insulted if the minister had ever come in wearing something as condescending as this.

ALTERATIONS WHILE U WAIT

2010-11-16T17:36:00.000-06:00

If the phrase "too clever by half" ever suggests itself, you're doing it wrong.

FRONTAL?

2010-11-09T19:59:00.000-06:00

Or Jackson Pollock's bath mat?

I AM HARLEQUIN*

2010-11-07T16:12:00.002-06:00

I am your WORST NIGHTMARE!!

*Another MST3K reset but I can't remember which one it's from.

DEFINITION

2010-11-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

Dignity
1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.
2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.
3. a. Poise and self-respect.
b. Stateliness and formality in manner and appearance.
4. The respect and honor associated with an important position.
5. A high office or rank.

Antonym: That guy in the picture.

SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN SAY IS...

2010-10-18T15:01:00.000-05:00

Ewwww.

STILL HERE

2010-10-18T14:59:00.000-05:00

I apologize for slacking off. Work's been insane lately and my hours were changed completely around(for the last 16 years or so, I've worked 1:00 PM until 9:00 PM most days; for the last two weeks, I had to work 8:30 AM to 4:30 PM). But things are going to return to normal soon and I've got a backlog of some...interesting selections.

VESTMENT OR STAR TREK COSTUME?

2010-10-05T18:08:00.000-05:00

You just don't know!

BOIDS

2010-09-23T19:58:00.000-05:00

I don't want to know the reason for this. I JUST don't.

"GRAY SKIES ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP..."

2010-09-20T18:06:00.002-05:00

Seriously, what is the deal with Scandinavian Lutherans and the color gray?

NO. NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!

2010-09-20T15:11:00.002-05:00

I don't know who this guy is and I don't care. I'm sorry. I don't care what you're trying to communicate here. This is completely unacceptable.

THEMES TO AVOID

2010-09-15T19:21:00.002-05:00

This reminds me of one of my EEG's

ROTFLMAO

2010-09-09T15:09:00.001-05:00

Once again, these are not vestments. But the Board of Directors of BadVestCo Enterprises is considering expanding the scope of this site to include include not only vestments but church decorations as well (any input you have for or against such a move will be greatly appreciated).

This picture, via FAILBlog, illustrates that while the Church should not conform itself to the world, it needs to know how the world conducts its affairs. As the Lord Jesus Christ advised us, "Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."

FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

2010-08-31T20:48:00.004-05:00

I know, I know, this isn't a vestment. But I run the place so I get to break the rules once in a while. And since it is as horrible an example of ecclesiastical bad taste as I've ever seen since, well, the post just below this one, I couldn't pass this up.

Anyone care to hazard a guess as to what this is?

(1) An example of that 1970's trend that was going to revolutionize the entire Christian religion. The roller-disco chapel.

(2) What the Ordained Barbie^TM Church Set looks like(only $49.95).

(3) Matthew Fox's rumpus room.

(4) The place where the first openly-homosexual bishop in the Episcopal Church was to be consecrated until Gene Robinson had the good taste to take one look at it and forcefully tell Presiding Bishop Frank Griswold, "Are you people insane?! Frank, I refuse to be photographed in front of that monstrosity, never mind consecrated there!"

(5) The sanctuary where the ceremony of the beatification of John Newman will be performed in Britain.

Answer here.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

2010-08-29T16:03:00.000-05:00

I realize that I'm going to date myself but here goes:

(1) Nice to see Bishop Q*Bert back in town again.

(2) You won one of these if you made it through four levels of Pole Position.

(3) Bald Bull wore this in Punch-Out!! If you hit him anywhere on it, he was knocked out instantly. Saved me more than a few times, let me tell you.

(4) When you saw this in Xevious and destroyed the pink ghost, you automatically moved to the next level and receieved an extra life.

(5) Any time a frog crossed this in Frogger, he couldn't be harmed.

LET'S SEE, HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

2010-08-18T15:10:00.002-05:00

No, nr, non, nein, não, nuh-uh, squat, jack squat, less than jack squat, bupkis, ain’t happening, no way Jose, cold day in hell, take another run at it, come back when you’re serious, you have got to be effing KIDDING me, man, etc.

RECYCYLING

2010-08-17T20:13:00.000-05:00

Huh. I wondered what happened to my old shower curtain.

MAXIM

2010-08-17T19:16:00.000-05:00

If you ever see your minister walk into church dressed like this, it is not only your right to get up and leave, it is your Christian duty.

WHERE A KID CAN BE A KID.

2010-08-10T16:43:00.000-05:00

My correspondent informs me that the wearer of this is Catholic. Leaving aside from the tie-dyeing and the horrible color combination, the first thing that popped into my head when I saw this was Chuck E. Cheese and how if you roll the ball into that top hole, you win 50 tickets.

FINALLY THOUGHT OF ONE!!

2010-08-07T18:09:00.001-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen!! Give it up for the world's first Swiss Army bishop!!

[Yeah, I get it. Let's see. Does her crozier come with a fold-out saw, pair of scissors, can opener, bottle opener, file, Philips screwdriver, reamer, pliers and corkscrew? Does it have little slots for the tweezers and the toothpick? Really, Chris? You came all the way back here to make that joke? - Ed.]

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that great.

[It wasn't even a little bit great - Ed.]

Hey, Albert Pujols hits doubles sometimes.

BISHOP?

2010-08-04T18:13:00.000-05:00

Or Star Trek character?

WARNING

2010-08-01T17:13:00.002-05:00

The person who sent me this informs me that these vestments were worn during a funeral at New York's Riverside Church. Riverside's been a hotbed of goofball pseudo-Christian liberalism for some time so I guess this isn't that much of surprise.

But mark this down. Wear something like this during my funeral and I'll either haunt you, if that's possible, or give you really intense nightmares for the rest of your days on this plane of existence.

Are we clear? Good.

I CANNOT BE ANY MORE SERIOUS!!

2010-07-30T11:47:00.001-05:00

Stop it. Stop it RIGHT NOW!!

Oh, and here are four words I'd never better see adjacent to each other ever again. Ministry of the puppets.

Props to Elle.

THEMES TO AVOID

2010-07-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

Stained glass.

MORE GIANT PAPIER-MÂCHÉ CALVINIST PUPPETS OF DOOM

2010-07-28T16:43:00.006-05:00

This sighting took place at the First Congregational Church here in my home town of Webster Groves, Missouri, also known as the Paris of St. Louis County, and it...no, I can't do it. I'm sorry. I have to say something here.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH GIANT PUPPETS DURING CHRISTIAN WORSHIP?!!

The Catholics have employed them, the Episcopalians have employed them, the Presbyterians have employed them, somebody sent me a Evangelican Lutheran Church in America link the other day and now we have the United Church of Christ. We're pretty much across the spectrum here. So I just have one question

For crying out loud, what in the world are you trying to accomplish?!! Well, we want to make worship more meaningful. Really? The worship of the Creator of the entire universe and the Redeemer of your soul isn't meaningful enough for you?

Even though I'm a Protestant, there's a lot to be said for Eucharistic Adoration. It's much better to sit there, keep your mouth shut and know that He is God rather than go through any ceremony in which giant puppets are in any way involved.

End of rant. Sorry you had to see that.

GIANT PAPIER-MÂCHÉ CALVINIST PUPPETS OF DOOM

2010-07-25T00:48:00.001-05:00

Roman Catholics? I don't want to alarm you but one of your few claims to liturgical atrocity fame has recently been seriously challenged by the Presbyterians.

PERFECT STORM

2010-07-20T19:40:00.000-05:00

As a matter of fact, these are Episcopalians. What gave it away?

THIS IS A MOBILE PHONE...

2010-07-20T17:31:00.000-05:00

...held by a man with absolutely no aesthetic sense.

THINGS THAT ARE NOT SINS

2010-07-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

Clashing with the ecclesiastical décor.

A TRIBUTE TO CHROMIUM

2010-07-10T16:19:00.001-05:00

Because Maine Episcopal Bishop Stephen Lane is rocking green flames. Chromium burns green. Get it? It's funny. Okay, maybe not so much.

WE HAVE A WINNER!!

2010-07-08T18:50:00.001-05:00

The 2009-2010 Bad Vestments Worst Vestment of the Year competition is over and the winner, going away, is Mold, Mildew and Fungus. Congratulations!!

ROCK CLIMBING, JOEL*

2010-07-08T18:35:00.001-05:00

A guy sent me this several months back. After thinking long and hard about some form of appropriate snark, the best that I could come up with was this. Butterflies, for crying out loud. The guy's got butterflies on his chasuble.

*Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

2010-07-07T19:27:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the worlds first walking iconostasis.

THE 2009-2010 BV WORST VESTMENTS FIELD

2010-06-14T15:52:00.001-05:00

I apologize for the lateness of this but things have been a bit hectic around here. Anyhoo, after much consideration, here is the final field for the 2009-2010 Bad Vestments Worst Vestment competition. You'll havet to go back and look at them. Vote only once in the comments. I'll keep a link to this post prominent for two weeks.

1. WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? – July 17, 2009

2. BED, BATH AND BEYOND KIDS BEDDING SALE! – July 20, 2009

3. MOLD, MILDEW AND FUNGUS – July 22, 2009

4. NOW BATTING FOR THE TAMPA BAY RAYS… - July 30, 2009

5. BV OVERLOAD – December 7, 2009

6. ALL GOD’S CREATION – December 20, 2009

7. TARGET PRACTICE – January 7, 2010

8. REMEMBER THE OVEN MITT!! – January 25, 2010

9. FULLY INVOLVED – April 13, 2010

10. TRUTH IN ADVERTISING – May 13, 2010

THEMES TO AVOID

2010-05-31T18:36:00.000-05:00

A rosary as fashion statement. Who are you, Madonna?

CAROLINA THREEFER

2010-05-26T23:39:00.004-05:00

First, a little housecleaning. Things have been a bit on the hectic side around here lately. I'm still working on the field for the 2009-2010 Bad Vestments "Worst Vestment of the Year" voting and should have it up by this weekend.

On to new business. If you run a site like this, any story about the consecration of an Episcopal bishops is like Christmas. You don't know what's in the package but there's a pretty good chance that you're going to love it.

Of course you're going to get socks or a tie once in a while. Granted, I haven't seen many pictures of it but the recent consecration of Mary Glasspool, the Episcopal Church's second homosexual bishop, out in Los Angeles, has to be considered a major disappointment.

But the Diocese of Upper South Carolina just made up for it. Um...Upper South Carolina, Gracie? Yup. For those who don't know, there are almost as many Episcopal dioceses as there are Episcopalians and, as Andy Warhol might have said, in the future, everyone will be an Episcopal bishop for 15 minutes.

Anyway, Upper SC just consecrated a new bishop. That's him in the middle, the Rev. W. Andrew Waldo. I'm not sure what's going on there. I guess it's a variation of that flames theme. Once again, it's kind of not a good idea if they look like they're coming from that direction.

The woman to Bishop Waldo's right is rocking a stole with the names of women from the Bible signifying, of course, that there were...women...in the...Bible. I don't know about you but I didn't know that so I appreciate this woman communicating that fact.

I don't know what's happening on the stole on the woman to the Bishop's left. God's in charge of the weather? A tribute to the cold front? Go Iowa State Cyclones?

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

2010-05-13T16:10:00.001-05:00

Sarah wasn't the only one who busted a gut, dude. I think I might have broken a rib just now.

THE BV WORST VESTMENT NOMINATIONS

2010-05-11T21:54:00.005-05:00

This site doesn't turn a year old for another couple of months and we're still a few days off from the consecration of Episcopal Bishop Suffragan Mary Glasspool out in Los Angeles, an event that has the potential to be a bad vestment gold mine so now's as good a time for this as any.

What is the worst Christian vestment you have ever seen? Nominate it down in the comments. There are two ways to nominate a vestment you've seen on this site. Put in the URL of the post or just put the title of the post and the date so I can find it.

If you know of a vestment that I haven't gotten to yet but that you think deserves consideration, type in its URL. I'll leave a link to this on the sidebar for a week, put together a field of ten or so(and the more votes a particular vestment receives, the more likely it is to make the cut) and then we'll vote for a week or so.

ALL SORTS AND CONDITIONS OF MEN

2010-04-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

You can meet just about anyone in an Episcopal church. Men, women, blacks, whites, Anglos, Hispanics, heterosexuals, homosexuals, the colorblind...

WE BRING GOOD THINGS TO CHURCH

2010-04-28T20:12:00.000-05:00

It's a good idea to be careful in one's vestment selection. Do you know the first thing I thought when I saw this? Why does Archbishop Duncan have the GE logo on his miter?

YES AND NO

2010-04-24T15:02:00.007-05:00

The gentleman pictured here is the Rt. Rev. Seán Manchester, Bishop of Glastonbury and Presiding Bishop of the British Old Catholic Church. If you'd like to learn more about all that, click here but be warned that the site plays music whether you want it to or not(note to Web designers: if you're still doing that, stop it because it's really annoying).

I posted this vestment because I'm genuinely conflicted about it. On the one hand, it is everything I like in a work of visual art. Simple, direct, to the point. What better idea for a Christian to focus on than the Cross and only the Cross? And the fact that you enter into spiritual combat looking like a Knight Templar certainly doesn't hurt.

But on balance, I'm going to have to turn this one down. Because when I saw this picture, the first thing that popped into my head was a chess piece. The second was Alice in Wonderland. So while I can't really declare this a bad vestment, I honestly can't declare it a good one.

A MODEST PROPOSAL

2010-04-22T00:47:00.004-05:00

If you're going to worship God in vestments this ridiculously embarrassing, why not go all the way and sell ad space on your copes and chasubles? NASCAR drivers not only look better than you do but make money doing it. And everybody knows that Episcopalians can really use the jack right about now.

404 ERROR

2010-04-20T16:19:00.005-05:00

ANNNNND we're off:

(1) Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the only chasuble with its own IP address.
(2) You don't put this on this garment, you hack into it.
(3) Most vestments get cleaned. This one gets a new hard drive.
(4) Old concept: liturgical colors. New concept: PC versus Mac.
(5) For the time being, don't run Windows 7 while wearing this or the liturgy will constantly freeze up and you'll have to reboot and start over from the beginning. Microsoft's working on the patch.
(6) This chasuble also serves as a wi/fi hotspot.
(7) If you want to order one, the name of this product is iGarbage.

You get the idea.

MAGIC EYE

2010-04-20T14:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't tried this yet but rumor has it that if you stare at this for thirty seconds and then immediately look at a white space, you'll see a good vestment.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE IS ANGLICAN

2010-04-19T17:36:00.003-05:00

What gave it away?

NEWS FROM THE ART WORLD

2010-04-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

For some reason, MOMA appears to have hired a chaplain.

BAD VESTMENTS 101

2010-04-17T18:40:00.001-05:00

People often ask me, "Conrad? What's the easiest way to tell when a liturgical vestment is really bad?" Well, take this picture of New York Suffragan Bishop Catherine Roskam. That's her on the right.

If you think that this picture desperately needs a guy in a top hat and a red coat somewhere nearby and if that circus song started running through your head(you know, the one that goes DOOT DOOT DOODLE-OODLE OOT-DOOT DO DO, DOOT DOOT DOODLE-OODLE OOT-DOOT DO DO), then you're looking at a genuinely awful liturgical garment.

Believe it or not, the above is actually not Catherine Roskam's most unintentionally embarrassing moment. This is:

"My sistas and brothas, all my homies and peeps, stay up -- keep your head up, holla back, and go forth and tell like it is." With this proclamation, Bishop Suffragan Cathy Roskam of New York sent people on their way at the Bronx's third Hip Hop Mass, held Friday, July 2 at Trinity Church of Morrisania.

Word.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE IS EPISCOPALIAN

2010-04-17T15:31:00.006-05:00

What gave it away?

UPDATE: Not sure why but I just had a Roger Ramjet flashback.

DON'T LOOK AT IT, MARION!!

2010-04-15T22:56:00.009-05:00

Mr. Andrew Bartus informs me that he saw this at a vestment establishment. I don't even want to consider the possibility that someone might actually wear this during Divine service.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR 2010 TRINITY-WALL STREET EPISCOPAL CHURCH BOWLING TEAM!!

2010-04-14T22:38:00.002-05:00

Mr. David Sibley sends along this new look at a classic bad vestment first mentioned here. Two things strike me about these things. Now that I know what that design is supposed to be, I hate it slightly less than I did before. And the concept of the liturgical uniform really creeps me out.

FORE!!

2010-04-14T19:01:00.004-05:00

Old-timers around here can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when the Acme Golf Tee Company's factory exploded in 1960.

I SAID NO AND I MEANT NO!!

2010-04-14T18:44:00.002-05:00

This chasuble "was commissioned by Australian priest Ian Brown whose ministry celebrates and embraces the arts as expressions of the Spirit," in case you want to know why Making Important Personal Statements^TM with one's liturgical clothing is such a sore point with this department.

NO

2010-04-14T13:32:00.000-05:00

Just...no.

FULLY INVOLVED

2010-04-13T20:03:00.004-05:00

Massachusetts Episcopal Bishop M. Thomas Shaw III demonstrates that while flames can be an interesting vestment design theme, looking like you've been set on fire is not.

PERFECT STORM

2010-04-13T01:37:00.000-05:00

If these additional scenes from the recent Episcopal consecration in Oregon are any indication, I cannot WAIT for the consecration of Mary Glasspool in Los Angeles.

BOB DUNCAN?

2010-04-13T01:23:00.001-05:00

Archbishop, you're going to need to have a serious chat with the guy right behind you.

IT CAN'T BE ENCOURAGING...

2010-04-13T01:21:00.001-05:00

...when your new bishop shows up for his consecration dressed as a stained-glass window. Meet Michael Hanley, Oregon's new Episcopal bishop.

GRAY SKIES ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP!

2010-04-05T19:51:00.001-05:00

Put on a happy face!

LOCK UP THE COMMUNION WINE, ALICE

2010-04-05T19:45:00.001-05:00

Father's wearing the parish Rothko again.