Sunday, December 20, 2009

ALL GOD'S CREATION

Apparently, lots of vestment makers sell their wares on eBay which is where a correspondent found this tribute to intestinal parasites.

Monday, December 7, 2009

BV OVERLOAD

Uh...canary in the mineshaft? The chaplain for the Banana Splits show? No? Okay, then, I've got nothing.

Friday, November 27, 2009

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE ON MY CROZIER?

The one that's there for reasons that I cannot even begin to understand.

JOHNSON'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF INAPPROPRIATE LITURGICAL CLOTHING II

See below. I hate being right all the time. And no, I don't know what thing around his neck(under the stole) is.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

JOHNSON'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF INAPPROPRIATE LITURGICAL CLOTHING

All ugly, garish, pretentious or otherwise unacceptable liturgical vestments will eventually coalesce into one single and magisterially awful set of vestments. There are unmistakable signs that this process has already begun to happen.

FLOWER POWER

I've seen this idea more than once. But I've never really understood the whole floral concept in vestment design. It's certainly not unattractive and I guess I get the Garden of Eden inspiration but to me, it just looks a little too...contrived. It's as if some vestment maker said, "Let's see, how shall I decorate these? I know. I'll cut strips from that old couch over there. We're throwing it out anyway."

ORRIS?

Are you saying that people like me don't make enough fun of the Episcopalians? Because if you rock an ensemble like this, you're just asking for jokes, Bishop.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

KATHARINE JEFFERTS SCHORI GOES TO THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL!!

"I prithee, good sir. Wouldst thou like to purchase a leather mug for someone in thy family?"

Saturday, November 14, 2009

THE OUTER LIMITS



There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust your monitor

"GRAY SKIES ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP,"

"Put on a happy face!"

Monday, October 26, 2009

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE

My correspondent informs me that this stole was a gift which, I guess, makes it the liturgical equivalent of those SpongeBob SquarePants or My Little Pony neckties your kids get you for your birthday or Christmas. No matter how embarrassed you might feel, you've got to wear them and you've got to wear them more than once.

I'm not really sure what's going on here yet. I guess that thing at the top is the sun although don't hold me to that. As for the rest of it, I'm stumped.

Monday, October 12, 2009

BAD VESTMENTS RULE #1

As he regularly likes to remind people, Episcopal Bishop Steven Charleston is a Choctaw Indian but I don't think that's why he's rocking this stole. Says here that he recently held the position of "multicultural minister" for the Diocese of California so I think that's what's going on here.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

BV FUN FACT

Some fast-food chains are apparently hiring chaplains.

UPDATE: Bad Vestments New England bureau chief Janjan alerts me to these pictures of something called the Dorchester Gas Tank. I got nuthin'.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Things may slow down here for a while. The arthritis in my right wrist has flared up big-time so I'm basically down to one functional hand. Unfortunately, I'm right-handed. But I saw the doctor today and got my meds so it hopefully won't last too long.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

ROBBIE?

This is what's called "giving them ammo," buddy.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

ILLUSIONS

Shows what I know. I thought the Orthodox were immune to the sorts of visual horror stories seen on this site.

Thanks to Father Joseph.

Friday, September 11, 2009

EQUAL TIME


The folks in the post just below this one are part of a small group of left-wing Catholics nobody pays any attention to anyway. On the other hand, the folks at Trinity-Wall Street Episcopal Church, one of the oldest, most historic(Alexander Hamilton is buried there) and most influential Episcopal churches in the country, actually thought that this was a good idea.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW OF LITURGICAL VESTMENTS

Too much of a good idea is a bad idea.

More props to Noel.

UNDER THE SEA

A sea anemone? A stylized octopus? Several giant squids?

Thanks, Noel.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

WHAT IN THE WORLD?!!

When I saw this, my first thought was that this bishop resembled some kind of garden tool or obscure cooking utensil. Then I thought that those things on his miter were Christmas lights that blinked in some kind of coordinated manner. Beyond that, I have no idea what this man might have been thinking.

Props to Todd.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

THRONE ROOM

This stole illustrates the danger of turning litugical vestments into artistic statements. This is actually quite good. Those symbols on either side are wonderful but they took me a while to figure out. Because the colors used initially suggested something quite...unspiritual.

More props to Jen.

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

Lots of people make jokes but the concept of a Starbucks church actually isn't that far-fetched. You and a small group of your friends could occupy the couches in one corner for an hour or so. Most Starbucks are wi-fi now so someone's lapper could call up an interesting sermon or some other video devotional. If you're not particulary sacramental, you could all share a half-caf veinte latte and a low-fat blueberry scone. And if you ever want to go high-church, someone's designed a chasuble for you.

Props to Jen.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

AM I SEEING THINGS?

Or is that Vishnu on Mrs. Schori's left shoulder?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

NEW SENS UNIFORMS ANNOUNCED

At a press conference this afternoon, the Ottawa Senators revealed a new alternate uniform that will be worn from time to time this upcoming NHL season. Sens fans were decidedly unimpressed. "Oh my dear Lord," said a Dr. Mabuse, "they look like Anglican Church vestments."

SUNSHINE LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS EVERYTHING

Is what I'd rather not see you wearing during worship.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

UM...NO, TRY AGAIN.

If you think that this site is nothing more than an Episcopal/Catholic beatdown, it's not. Mark Hanson, Presiding Bishop of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, actually thought that it was a good idea to conduct Christian worship dressed as illustrated. Nobody knows why.

Props to Peter.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

CLOWN SUITS

At some point, a site dedicated to chronicling what not to wear during Christian worship must deal with the phenomenon of the clown Eucharist. These seem to occur in all Christian denominations(this one is Episcopalian).

All I can say is that if you think it's a spiritually good idea to dress like that while performing the most solemn, meaningful and important of all Christian ceremonies, you don't understand or value that ceremony and you really should start sleeping in on Sunday mornings.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

RAINBOW WARRIOR

It says something, I'm not quite sure what, when the vestment taste of the female minister is considerably less embarrassing than the vestment taste of the male minister. Maine's outgoing Episcopal Bishop Chilton Knudsen(left) hands off the hooked stick to new Bishop Steve Lane.

Once again. What is the four-word underlying principle of this site?

It's not about you.

Thanks to Mike.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

UBUNTU IS A XHOSA WORD MEANING...

"Take that off, you look ridiculous!"

Thanks to Smurf Breath for the heads-up.

WHOOPS

The Holy Father has a rare lapse in judgment

Monday, August 3, 2009

THIS IS BAD ECCLESIASTICAL HEADGEAR

This is not.

Any questions?

UPDATE: Okay, fine, it's not a miter. Whatever. But it still kicks the crap out of whatever it is that Mrs. Schori's rocking in that picture.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

RELAXED-FIT LITURGY

If you're of a mind to, you can purchase a stole made of...blue jeans.

My God, I think this site's already run its course.

NOT BAD BUT NOT GOOD

This is an example of a good vestment idea that wasn't brought off particularly well. The dove and the fire are perfectly fine representations of the Holy Spirit. Just don't have the dove flying toward the fire on one side and absent in the other.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

"NOW BATTING FOR THE TAMPA BAY RAYS..."

Katharine Jefferts Schori adds to her legend.

HEY, LOOK ME OVER!!

I don't know where this was taken or who those people are(I assume they're Episcopalians) and I don't want to know. But if you are a Christian minister and you're ever tempted to put one of those on, I must repeat a principle I thought was self-evident.

Christian worship is not supposed to be about you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

IF YOU WERE A TREE...

...or a tree with legs and a tail...or one of those Ent things from Lord of the Rings...or some kind of hideous tree/Labrador Retriever mutant...or a Labrador Retriever marking his territory...or a Labrador Retriever boinking a tree...

Thanks to Wyatt.

Monday, July 27, 2009

KNOW SOMETHING?

When I go to church, I'm really not interested in any artistic statement you think you need to make. Because as strange as it may sound, church actually isn't about you.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

YEAH, I KNOW, COAT OF MANY COLORS

Blah, blah, blah. So when do we get to toss you down a hole and then sell you into slavery?

UH...NO

If a Christian minister deliberately chooses to wear something like this, skipping church is not an option, it is a duty.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

IN HINDSIGHT

Letting Vera Wang design the Philadelphia Eagles jerseys probably wasn't a good idea.

ALL RIGHT, MR. DEMILLE

I'm ready for my close-up.

INDECISIVE AND IT FEELS SO GOOD

For the love of God, just pick one, all right?!! I'll bet it takes you two hours to order lunch at McDonald's.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

MOLD, MILDEW AND FUNGUS

Seem like odd themes for liturgical vestments. Then again, all God's creation and all that.

I'M STUMPED

Road map? Travel brochure? PowerPoint presentation?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

THOSE WERE THE DAYS

Grateful Dead lyrics in sermons, Doors albums during overnights, high-grade ganja out back of the church after youth group. Father Greg rocked!

Of course, none of our parents liked him, what with him being fresh out of seminary and having a beard and all. But last I checked he was a Quaker/Buddhist so I guess it all balances out.

IS YOUR SHRINK ORDAINED?

Introducing the Rorschach chasuble.

WHEN YOU WANT TO KEEP THINGS SIMPLE

Try the poser stole. Thanks to Brian

Monday, July 20, 2009

WENT BAR-HOPPING LAST NIGHT...


...and MAN, was I pixelated!

BED, BATH AND BEYOND KID'S BEDDING SALE!!

Ends Saturday!!

RUN, DON'T WALK

Out of your church if your minister EVER walks in wearing this.

Friday, July 17, 2009

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR 2009 ROCHESTER RED WINGS!!

These were specially made for and used during the Episcopal Church's 2009 General Convention.